Always be positive? No thanks

We’ve recently been getting stuck into the TV show Alone (from the History Channel in the US and on Foxtel in Australia). In it, people are sent completely alone (no camera crew) to remote and harsh locations to apply their survival skills. The person that lasts longest, wins.

The first series we watched was Season 3. In it, one contestant styled himself as “Mr PMA” – for positive mental attitude. He chirpily told us he always has a smile on his dial and sees the bright side of everything, which he thought would be his competitive advantage.

He was the first to go.

When genuine adversity hit, he wasn’t able to handle the difficult emotions that arose.

It’s absolutely true that positivity, gratitude and optimism are helpful. They trigger a cascade of processes that enhance not only our mood and emotional regulation but also our creativity, our problem solving skills and our endurance.

But trying to bypass or minimise difficult or negative responses and emotions is counterproductive.

The best way to handle them is to acknowledge them, feel them (don’t feed them), and let them arise and subside in their own time. Then you’re in a better position to look for the constructive way through. Paradoxically, it’s the fastest way to get back to an authentic positivity.

If your house burns down, it is perfectly natural for you to feel a range of strong, difficult emotions. If you make yourself “wrong” for having these reactions, you are adding more difficulty to the pile. Emotional intelligence is about being able to accept and work with our emotions effectively, not about being Mr PMA.

Instead of “always be positive”, let’s make space for our human complexity and try “always be real”.

Take care of yourself and others,

Madeleine

I work with clients from executive leadership teams to the front line, helping them to make clearer decisions about what they want, and adapt faster and more easily to change and transition. I use deep purpose as a key to unlock powerful thriving in work and life.

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