A deceptively simple tip to help you overcome that habit or limiting belief
If I ask you not to think of a purple elephant…
Tell me, what shade of purple is your elephant?
In coaching I often come across people who are working really hard to try to overcome a particular habit or issue:
Having nerves at a board meeting
Feeling weekend guilt over unfinished work
Imposter syndrome in a new role
Micromanaging
Procrastinating
… and the list goes on. The habit is holding them back, so they try to eliminate it.
That’s often extremely difficult.
By definition, there is a part of them that wants to engage in the habit – or else they wouldn’t be doing it.
I’ll illustrate with a recent example. I was working with a leader who was very frustrated with some dynamics in her team. She had been trying to “rise above” the frustration by squashing it. Every time she felt frustrated, she said “wrong response” to herself and tried to act like a better leader. While her commitment to change her response to the team’s issues was fantastic, she was actually only getting more annoyed with them. The anger was getting in the way of progress and things were spiralling down.
In other words, making her frustration “wrong” hadn’t worked…. at all.
So I asked her – what does this part that is so frustrated want for you? She immediately went deep into thought. After reflecting, she answered that it wanted her to understand the seriousness of the team’s issues and pay attention to them. I asked her if she could imagine thanking that part for its vigilance, and letting it know that she had received the message and could take it from here.
After a pause, her shoulders relaxed and she smiled. She said it made an immediate difference. Her tension level dropped and we were able to begin exploring useful ways to tackle the underlying issues.
So what does this mean for you?
Instead of trying to eliminate a particular behaviour or thought habit, try understanding and acknowledging what the part driving it wants for you. It might be something like:
Protection from making a fool of yourself
Not wanting the stress of falling behind
Not wanting to be exposed as imperfect
Not wanting to deal with the fallout of others’ mistakes
Protection from the risk of failure
Those are sensible drivers. Eliminating them completely would be disastrous. Subconsciously you know this and so, as you try to erase the habit, the habit remains in battle, trying to protect you from danger.
The issue is not the driver. The issue is the consequence of the driver being overplayed.
Telling that part – the part that wants to do whatever it is – to simply stop is like me telling you not to think of a purple elephant. It has the opposite effect. These parts want to be heard. If they feel they are being squashed away, they will arc up more strongly, trying to get your attention.
If you’re trying to work on a bad habit or so-called limiting belief, instead try this:
Ask yourself what the part of you that is driving the behaviour or belief wants for you
Give the part your genuine thanks for what it’s trying to do, and let it know you’ve got it covered for now.
The part can then relax a bit, letting you make some different choices. It sounds almost ridiculously simple, but it can be an enormously powerful step towards progress. Give it a try and let me know how you go.
Until next week,
Take care of yourself and others
Madeleine
PS If you’d like to work with me to help you deal with something that’s holding you back at work, let me know. Send me a message to enquire, and please share with anyone you think may benefit.
PPS The technique I’ve described in this article can be terrifically helpful for easing the tension around day to day habits and challenges, particularly in the context of work. I’m a fully trained, accredited and experienced coach and accordingly, I’m very aware of what is a coaching issue and what is something more. If you are grappling with more intense, long-lasting, distressing or harmful habits, counselling with an appropriately qualified clinician might be the right thing for you. In Australia, Beyond Blue or your GP are great places to start.
PPPS If you’re an in-house lawyer wanting some tips for managing the pull between work and the rest of your life, join me on July 30 for an Association of Corporate Counsel session where I’ll be interviewed on just that!
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