To resolve a conflict, take the other side (for a minute)

When someone does something you don’t like, before you react – pause for a moment and …

Assume positive intent.

Most people intend to do a good job. Even the ones that are driving you crazy are unlikely to be doing it deliberately. You are more likely to be able to overcome an issue and maintain an effective relationship if you come at it from the perspective of assuming someone meant well when they did whatever they did.

Naturally, there are exceptions to this – I’m not talking about the extremes of bad behaviour here. Apply a common sense filter, and if someone is malicious or dangerous you should, of course, act accordingly.

When someone is:

  • Late with the report

  • Talking over you in a meeting

  • Launching a new initiative without your approval

  • Blocking your plan

  • Giving you radio silence

  • Checking on you every 5 minutes

  • Using the wrong font

  • Worrying about fonts,

you may well need to address the behaviour. But if you go into the conversation with the subtext (or indeed, the explicit text) being that the person is a naughty child who needs correcting, that energy will be apparent. They will not appreciate it, because they are not a naughty child. In all likelihood, they are a capable adult who has gone about things in the way they thought best, but which has some sort of a gap with your expectations that needs exploring and addressing. It’s even possible – gasp – that their way has merit and you should be the one who flexes.

This is always a really interesting one to explore in coaching.

If I ask a client to explain a conflict to me as if they were the other person , it always brings through powerful insights and a softening of previous hard lines – allowing a more nuanced and constructive approach to a resolution.

You may get short-term compliance out of a lecture, but you will not build a trusting relationship. You’ll lose the opportunity to address the underlying gap and create a genuine meeting of the minds.

Take care of yourself and others,

Madeleine

PS Final call for my research survey – I’d very much value your input! I’m interested in hearing from you whether you’ve already retired, or if retirement is still decades away. If you haven’t completed it yet (it will take less about 3 minutes), you can find it here. Thank you!

I work with clients from executive leadership teams to the front line, helping them to make clearer decisions about what they want, and adapt faster and more easily to change and transition. I use deep purpose as a key to unlock powerful thriving in work and life.

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Madeleine Shaw