Worried? Try Socratic questioning

I’ve recently been revisiting the excellent Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety & Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT by Sarah Edelman. It’s full of evidence-based information and strategies for helping deal with a range of difficult thoughts and emotions.

One such strategy I thought I’d share with you today is using Socratic questioning to talk yourself through an intense or catastrophising worry about something that might happen in the future.

This process doesn’t wave off your worries as impossible. When you are worried about something that is possible, it’s super unhelpful to hear “It’ll be fine”.

Rather, these questions step you through an assessment of the best and worst of what might happen, which can be different from what your looping, worried thoughts are telling you.

For example, you may have been a junior employee back in the 90s and put the wrong contracts in the wrong envelopes and sent them off to the wrong sides of a transaction. As a purely hypothetical example, you understand.

Here’s the list of questions Edelman sets out in the book, with sample answers from this very fictional scenario:

1. Describe the situation you are worried about

I’m working on this project and there are important, highly confidential and sensitive contracts that need to get posted to different people for signing. I’ve just printed them out, put the wrong contracts in the wrong envelopes and posted them off to the wrong people.

2. What specifically do you fear might happen?

I’m worried that I’ll be in enormous trouble and get fired. I’m worried the people involved will be apoplectic with rage and sack my employers from the deal. I’m worried that each of them having confidential information about the other will derail the whole project. I’m worried my reputation will be ruined.

3. Rate the likelihood that this will happen (from 0 to 100 percent)

90

4. What evidence supports your worrying thoughts?

Tensions are already high on this deal. Disclosing this confidential information will shift the negotiating balance that’s been carefully struck. At least one of the people involved is known to be quick to anger and it wouldn’t be out of character for them to cut us out to punish us.

5. What evidence does not support them?

The project is 90% there – it would be hugely expensive for them to sack my employers now and start again. They are likely to be angry but are more likely to want to find a way through. My employers have demonstrated loyalty to me and are more likely to try to shield me and work to save the deal.

6. If it did happen, what actions could you take?

I could write a grovelling apology to the people involved so it’s clear it was me and not my employers. I would find another job. It’s early in my career and I have time to rebuild.

7. Realistically, what is the worst thing that could happen?

Pretty much everything I described in question 2, although my reputation would be more likely to suffer a hit than be ruined.

8. What is the best thing that can happen?

Everyone understands it was a mistake and is sympathetic. There is a cordial readjustment to the negotiation and the project proceeds with barely a blemish.

9. What is most likely to happen?

The people involved will be angry and my employers will need to do a mea culpa and some intense relationship mending. The deal will go on.

10. Are there any useful actions you can take now?

Fess up immediately to my employers so they are not blindsided.

11. What would you tell a friend who was in your situation?

It’s going to be a bit messy for a while, but we are all human and we all make mistakes. You’d rather not make a mistake but eventually we all do.

12. Realistically, re-rate the likelihood that your worst fears will be realised.

15

So there you have it. Super simple, very powerful. Give it a try and let me know how you go!

Until next week,

Take care of yourself and others

Madeleine

PS If you’d like to work with me as you reframe your thinking about career and life questions, let me know. Send me a message to enquire, and please share with anyone you think may benefit.

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