When to walk away

I wrote recently about how we do better when we adapt by finding the part of ourselves that best meets the needs of a situation.

It becomes more challenging when a new situation is completely outside our repertoire of “authentic” skills.

Let’s take Jane for example. Jane is a senior marketer who has only ever worked in fast paced, disruptive start-ups. She is considering accepting a role in a more established company with a much slower, more considered approach to change. Operating in that environment is not something she has ever done before, and so it may not come “naturally”.

The gap between Jane now and where she needs to be (the dissonance) is uncomfortable.

She has two choices:

1. Grow, or
2. Walk away.

Much of my work is about option 1, “grow”, helping people expand their “self” circle by experimenting with new skills and behaviours that will meet the needs of their new reality.

But, it can become a bit of a truism that growth is always the goal. Sometimes, going for growth is not the best course of action.

Taking option 2, “Walk away” and refusing to adapt can be the right call.

How do you know which is which?

Consider whether the gap is more about:

• Skills (which can be learnt), or
• Values (which, while they can change over time, tend to be more deeply held and constant).

A skills gap will either be something we want to address or not. When I took my first job as a lawyer, I really had no idea what I was doing. I definitely had to stretch outside my then-current repertoire of skills in order to do the job and was happy to do so. Same thing when I shifted careers to coaching over ten years ago. But both played to my strengths. If I wanted to join a professional choir? Well… different story!

Compromising deeply held values is a different kettle of fish altogether. It can be damaging to us on quite a profound level.

Living and working respectfully and constructively with the big, varied and diverse range of people, values and ideas that make up this wonderful world? Yes, bring it on. It’s the diversity that makes us thrive. Being true to your own values and identity and living and working alongside people with different values and identities is important and actually helps organisations deliver better outcomes.

Spending each day squashing who I am and what I stand for in order to succeed in an organisation that doesn’t value me for who I am? Or having to compromise and sell out deeply held values to work with people who hold deeply held and wholly incompatible values? If I have any choice about it, then no.

Sometimes the “grow or walk away” decision is relatively easy.

An accountant, also a committed non-smoker and anti-smoking campaigner, is offered a role in a tobacco company = major values issue. Probably best to look for another option, if available, where it will be easier to thrive.

An accountant with great technical skills is considering taking their first people leadership role = skills gap, and it’s up to the accountant to decide if that stretch is something they want to do.

So, back to Jane. She has an unease about the role, and it is less obvious why.

• Is it that Jane needs to practice and develop her skills in working more slowly, and she is uneasy about her ability to do so?

• Or is it that she deeply values speed, experimentation and rapid iteration over caution, checking and a culture of “do it once, right”, and her unease is a deep intuition warning her off compromising her values?

Self awareness and talking the decision through with trusted friends or (yes) a coach can really help Jane pinpoint the core of the issue and decide what path she will take.

One of the best lessons I learned early in my coaching career was to politely decline work from certain potential clients where I could see the values gap would be enormous. The relief, and the energy it freed up for more constructive endeavours, was enormous.

Where is this showing up in your life right now?

Madeleine Shaw

I work with clients from executive leadership teams to the front line, helping them to make clearer decisions about what they want, and adapt faster and more easily to change and transition. I use deep purpose as a key to unlock powerful thriving in work and life.

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