3 questions to ask yourself before a high stakes conversation
A colleague of mine who worked in communications before becoming a brilliant coach and facilitator gave me a hot tip once. She said that before going into any high stakes conversation, you should ask yourself what you want the other person to leave thinking, feeling and doing.
When a client is feeling stuck or stressed about an upcoming conversation, this has often proved to be a real game changer.
First of all, it often acts as a circuit breaker when it turns out the client’s primary motivation in talking to the other person is to vent. There is a difference between wanting to make the other person feel sorry, possibly even feeling small and attacked, versus wanting to have a constructive discussion so that another person can hear and understand your perspective. Sometimes “I’m going to talk to him” becomes “I’m going to let this one go”.
To be clear, I’m not by any means suggesting you shouldn’t tackle a difficult conversation in order to have your needs or perspective heard. Naturally, there are many times that’s exactly what you should do. But it is often useful, when charging in to blow off steam, to pause and ask yourself “What am I hoping to achieve here, and is this the best way to go about it?”
It also helps the client get out of thinking about themselves (“Am I going to get this right?”) and into taking a curious attitude about the other person. What do they need to think, feel and do for this to be successful? What will work for them?
This slight distancing of perspective as you plan the conversation can help settle nerves and focus your intent. Often we try to boil the ocean – throwing everything we have at someone in the hope something sticks. Instead, these 3 questions can help you eliminate clutter and keep what is most likely to serve you well.
Until next week,
Take care of yourself and others
Madeleine
PS If you’d like to work with me as you work through some challenging conversations, let me know. Send me a message to enquire, and please share with anyone you think may benefit.
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